Turning 23, leaving 22
On May 31st I turned 23, a little scary, as it is an in-between age. At 23 you are just a beginning adult, slowly transferring away from home to an independent life. At 23, you are expected to act like an adult, but are still told by many that you’re “so young”. Well, I am young, and I am an adult.
I am also learning.
Being 22 was a year that changed me for the better. A year of growth and resilience, sadness and loss, big changes taking place in the trajectory of my life. The year started off normally (for me) in Germany, on a hill drinking wine with my friends by the lake. I was lost in my life and unhappy without an understanding of why. I had the goal to study at the university in Germany, but somehow knew that didn’t feel right.
The couple of years leading up to 22 were hard ones. I struggled deeply with my mental health and the decision I had made to stay in Germany. I was determined to heal, but I didn't really know how. Many moments felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs, like I was swimming in a current against all those negative feelings and insecurities. I am quite a sensitive person and greatly impacted by the place where I am. Anxiety would follow me everywhere- even when I would travel- but the calmest moments were always when I would focus on what makes me feel the most myself and at peace. One of these moments is when I spend time at the ocean. The feeling of being underwater, the sound of the waves, the feeling of the sun and the salt. Things are less complicated in those moments.
When I was 22, I went to the sea a lot. I traveled a lot. I rested a lot. I started taking yoga classes (movement is a wonderful way to ease anxious moments), I focused on photography (I love to create, edit, and draw), I read many books (I find stories very calming and I love to learn through books), I spent time with friends and became closer with people who bring joy and meaning to my life.
One of the most important things I did was go home. My childhood and family home. I spent lots of time with my family (people who are always there for me regardless of how I’m doing or feeling), I cuddled with my dog, and laughed with my sister. I visited family and spent hours at my aunt’s apartment. I ate my parents’ cooking, I visited my favorite cafes and bookstores, I slowed down for the first time in a long time.
It was not an easy decision to stay longer, but it was the right decision. I spent four months listening to myself. I decided to start prioritizing my passions and interests. I applied to work at hostels by the sea, I went to Hawai’i, and I started this blog. I also took the time to really focus on my anxiety. Sometimes it is hard to talk about mental health. It can be very vulnerable and feels like a secret that I have to keep all the time. I feel in Germany, sometimes it is especially difficult- but it is so important!
I know it is a privilege, but taking care of yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give. Treat yourself with kindness, and when you are in over your head or need help or support, ask for it. I got support from my family, I visited my doctor, and even though that decision was hard, it changed my life. The moment I slowed down, I started to heal.
I ended up going back to Germany in mid-March, after going to Seattle for Christmas. When I arrived back in Europe I almost immediately visited a good friend who lives in Bordeaux. We went to the ocean together and enjoyed many coffees and long talks. Soon after, I applied to volunteer at a surf hostel in Guéthary (a beautiful French coastal town on the border to Spain). This is where I turned 23.
The evening before May 31, I went to a yoga class and then went to my favorite sunset spot. I journaled about my year, reflected on my best memories and moments, the things I want to let go of, hopes for the coming year, and a note to my future self. I also made a list of three words to describe my year. It was a lovely way to reflect.
A look into my journal:)
When I was thinking about and preparing for this post, I came across this quote. It really speaks for to me for where I am and how I feel about the coming year.
While, growth (and healing) are forever continuing, my hope for this year is to bloom. I have laid the foundation and set down the stepping stones.
“You are on the way, enjoy it!” -advice to my future self from my journal.
Thank you for being here!𓇼